Hey Steven: A Steven Stone Crackfic Collection
by Cantarella of Odile
Summary: In which Steven Stone is stalked, kidnapped, and mauled by his fans in a variety of inventive- and often traumatizing- ways. Rated T for descriptions of his Tantalizing abs, which may induce nosebleeds, drooling, and the not-so occasional swoon.
1. Steven Chasers

**Disclaimer:** Olihmajor and Cantarella of Odile do not own Pokemon; all rights go to Gamefreak and the various producers of the show. No copyright infringement intended.

**Characters:** Steven Stone, the teen heartthrob of the Pokemon universe, and various creepers.

**Summary: **In which Steven Stone is stalked, kidnapped, and mauled by his fans in a variety of inventive- and often traumatizing- ways. Rated T for descriptions of his Tantalizing abs, which may induce nosebleeds, drooling, and the not-so-occasional 'Daaaamn'.

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The sun beat down on Hoenn, kissing the waves as they coasted along the rolling sea. The summer heat hung lank in the air, pressing down on the land with crushing force. People combed the seaside, lathering themselves up with lotion and shading themselves with festive parasols.

Steven Stone was one of these people: he roamed the beach, bending down every now and then in hopes of finding a rare stone that had been washed ashore.

And in a cluster of bushes nearby, with a pair of binoculars and a fake Australian accent, was May.

"The wild Steven scours the beach, hunting for precious rocks," she said into her microphone, which was hooked up to the broadcaster that was pumping this information to millions of fangirls across the globe. Trying not to shift her weight as the heavy material of her camoflauge caused sweat to roll down her neck, she continued, "Look at how the paleness of his mane catches the sun's rays! Oh, what a beautiful creature." As she watched, he straightened, wiping sweat off his brow. Then, in one fluid motion, he pulled his T-shirt over his head, revealing the chiseled abdomen underneath.

May's jaw unhinged, and for a full minute she squatted there, stammering and bleeding from the nose, as he stood outlined in the sun's light. The midday glow cast a golden sheen onto his alabaster skin, and the incredible blue of his eyes was visible all the way from where she hid.

"We interrupt this broadcast due to immense blood loss," she managed to gasp into the microphone, still struggling to form coherent thoughts as blood continued to spurt. Tearing off her sleeve and pressing it to her nostril, she finished with, "Until next time, this is May from _Steven Chasers, _signing out. Happy stalking!"

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_A/N: This is a collaboration between Olihmajor and Cantarella of Odile, who are both huge fans of Steven Stone. We hope you enjoy the crackiness!_

_(Side-note from Odile: I am still on hiatus, don't let this fool you ; ) ) _


	2. Hey Steven

**Disclaimer:** Magically, it's the same as before. : 0 Whoah. I know. Shocking.

**Characters:** Our beloved Stevie Wonder, and some representatives of the Steven Stone cult ; )

**Summary: **Much like the Twitards that roam dark alleyways in search of their sparkly fairyboy, Steven Hunters also dedicate songs to their idol...

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It was a regular night for Steven Stone: him curled up on the couch in his aron pajamas; the TV set to the Geology channel; and a fangirl standing outside his window, singing.

Yep. Just a regular night.

"'Hey Steven, I know looks can be deceiving, but I know I saw a light in you. And as we walked, we were talking; I didn't say half the things I wanted to…~'"

A Taylor Swift song. Maybe not the best music choice, he reflected, but her voice wasn't all that bad- plus, if he turned up the volume loud enough, it drowned her out almost completely. It definitely beat out the time one of them watched him shower. Or the time when they hurled rocks (common ones, at that; not even ones worth collecting) at his window, which ended up chipping it.

"'Cause I can't help it if you look like an angel; can't help it if I wanna kiss you in the rain, so come and feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you; can't help it if there's no one else. Mmm, I can't help myself…~'"

_That last 'Mmm' sounded pervy, _he noted with alarm, unable to focus on the show anymore. _Oh Arceus, please don't let me wake up to find this stalker in my bed. Not like last time. _

"'Hey Steven, I've been holding back on this feeling, so I got some things to say to you. I've seen it all, so I thought, but I never seen nobody shine the way you do. The way you talk, way you walk, way you say my name: it's beautiful, wonderful, don't you ever change. Hey Steven, why are people always leaving? I think you and I should stay the same…~'"

Could he send his metagross to scare her off? No; she would probably just fawn over it. Fangirls seemed to be impervious to things that would frighten a normal person.

"'They're dimming the street lights, you're perfect for me, why aren't you here tonight? I'm waiting alone now, so come on and come out and pull me near. And shine, shine, shine. Hey Steven, I could give you fifty reasons why I should be the one you choose: all those other girls, well, they're beautiful, but would they write a song for y-'"

"_I _would write a song for him!" shrilled a new voice.

"I would write him a thousand!" screamed another.

A different one scoffed. "I would write a million more than anyone else _ever _would."

"Anyway, what are you doing out here?" demanded the first. "You know it's against the Steven Code to-"

"Make a move on him, since there's only one of him and millions of us," said the resigned voice of the girl who had been singing. "Only once we capture and clone him can we be allowed to go after him."

"That's correct." There was the sound of snapping fingers. "Prepare the proper discipline."

"You mean-?" There was a gasp.

Steven could picture them nodding. "Yes. The Originshipping pictures."

The singer wailed. "No! I promise I won't do it again! Just- just don't make me look at my-"

"Our," corrected one of the others.

"-precious Steven be paired with Wallace!"

"Take her away, girls!" cackled the first.

The singer's screams rang in Steven's ears long after they faded, and the others' maniacal laughter rose in tandem. Eventually, all was quiet outside.

Steven sat on the couch for a full hour, only managing to choke out a whispered, "Holy shit." Needless to say, he planned to sleep with the lights on that night.

However, sleep wasn't even an option after he discovered one of them hiding in his underwear drawer.

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	3. Fangirls' Theorem

**Disclaimer: **So, anyone else here fans of Steven Stone? ^ . ^

**Characters:** Steven, featuring our resident creeper/ Mario impersonator , Lyra.

**Summary: **I think I feel a song coming on...

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Lyra had vowed to catch them all…

"_I'm gonna be a bishie hunter, like no one ever was…"_

…in her own special way.

Cruising down the road with the windows of her Cadillac down and her theme song blasting, she stretched tired neck muscles, and braked beside a swanky café in downtown Lilycove. Putting her feet on the dashboard, she left the engine running, and waited for her usual suspect to come by.

He was right on time: seven o' clock on the dot, just like always. With his silver hair in its usual disarray, she watched as Steven Stone entered the café to get his morning dose of caffeine. She made it her business to know that he took it straight, with no milk or sugar.

"_To find them is my test, to capture their hearts my cause…"_

Five minutes later he reappeared, and began his typical stroll down the crowded sidewalk. Lyra's car purred as she started after him, her song blaring from the windows like the _Jaws _theme as she trailed her target.

"_I will travel across the land, stalking far and wide,_

"_Each hot guy that sees me, and then dares to hide._

"_Shotas, it's you and me-_

"_You know it's our destiny._

"_Tsunderes, oh you'll join my harem:_

"_It's the fangirls' theorem._

"_Meganes, with hot glasses so true,_

_"My obsession will pull us through." _

Singing along, she couldn't help but grin when she saw him divert from his usual path. The crowd thinned, and soon enough he was alone.

"_You love me and I love you,_

"_Bishounens- gotta catch 'em all!" _

Keeping one hand on the wheel, she reached to lift her blimp of a hat, which concealed the human-sized bug catching net she used to capture her prey. Unfolding it, her mouth twisted into a smirk, and she cranked up the volume.

"_Every uke along the way,_

"_With a pimp hand I will face._

"_I will trap even the semes_

"_To claim my rightful place."_

The ex-champion of Hoenn turned, pale eyes widening as he spotted the sleek black car approaching him. Lyra poked her head out, waving maniacally at him.

"Can I help you?" asked Steven politely, unnerved by the expression on this young girl's face.

"Yes, actually," she answered. "You know, there are Black and White sequels coming out, and some people are upset that there aren't Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald remakes. So, us fangirls have decided that we either want you in Unova- you could replace Alder or something- or as a key character in the future Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald remake that Nintendo _better be planning._"

He blinked. "Wait, what?"

In reply she she gave the net a mighty swing, capturing him with ease. Ignoring his yells, she got out of the car to open the trunk, which she promptly dumped him into.

"I'll send a ransom to Nintendo," she assured him. "If they really love you, they'll listen to the fans." And with that she shut the door, the radio still playing on.

"_Come with me, you have no choice;_

"_There is no better harem._

"_Arm in arm, we'll stalk the world-_

"_It's the fangirls' theorem." _

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	4. Like A Boss

**Disclaimer: **So, this'll probably be the last chapter for awhile. Do read and review!

**Characters: **Jeez, I wonder.

**Summary: **If you don't know the Lonely Island's song 'Like A Boss', look it up now.

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"Mr. Stone, thank you for coming to the interview," greeted the reporter, smiling as the silver-haired champion took the seat across from him.

"No problem."

The reporter withdrew a notepad. "So you're in charge around here, is that fair to say?"

"Absolutely. I'm the boss," drawled Steven.

"Okay, so take me through a day in the life of 'the boss'," the reporter said.

Steven took a deep breath. "Well, the first thing I do is…

"Talk to Devon Corp. (like a boss)

"Approve memos (like a boss)

"Promote new pokeballs (like a boss)

"Defeat challengers (like a boss)

"Think of my dad (like a boss)

"Start drinking (like a boss)

"Hit on Wallace (like a boss)

"Get rejected (like a boss)

"Embrace sadness (like a boss)

"Go spelunking (like a boss)

"Find some rocks (like a boss)

"Cry deeply (like a boss)

"Run from fangirls (like a boss)

"Get caught anyways (like a boss)

"Harassment lawsuit (like a boss)

"Lose some money (like a boss)

"Fifth of vodka (like a boss)

"Shit on Wallace's cape (like a boss)

"Buy a hammer (like a boss)

"To destroy my stones (like a boss)

"Oh fuck, man, I can't do it…_shit. _

"Pussy out (like a boss)

"Puke on Wallace's shoes (like a boss)

"Jump out the window (like a boss)

"Land on Wallace (like a boss)

"Steal his aircar (like a boss)

"Run over some fangirls (like a boss)

"Crash the car (like a boss)

"Into the sea (like a boss)

"Meet a wailord (like a boss)

"Punch its brains out (like a boss)

"Turn into a metagross (like a boss)

"Bomb the League (like a boss)

"Fly into the sun (like a boss)

"Now I'm dead (like a boss)."

The reporter blinked rapidly, not sure whether to find this hilarious or frightening. "Uh-huh," he mumbled, skeptical. "So that's an average day for you, then?"

Steven nodded, putting on his sunglasses. "No doubt."

"You destroy the League and die," the reporter said flatly.

"Hell yeah."

"And I think that at one point there you said something about running over your fangirls."

"Nope."

"Actually, I'm pretty sure you did."

Steven lowered his shades long enough to pin the reporter with a 'bitch, please' look. "Naw, that ain't me."

The reporter's mouth worked, as if he was chewing on his response. "Okay, well, this has been eye-opening for me."

The champion slid his sunglasses back up. "I'm the boss."

"Yeah, no, I got that. You said it about four-hundred times."

"I'm the boss."

"Yeah, yeah, I got that," the reporter assured him, hastily gathering his things and already making a beeline towards the door.

"I'm the boss."

"Yeah, I heard you- bye!" He slammed the door shut behind him.

As soon as the other man was gone, Steven's straight face twitched into a grin. He plugged in his earphones, and The Lonely Island's song, 'Like A Boss', blared from the I-Pod. "Scare off the reporters (like a boss)," he hummed to himself, his grin widening at just how completely that one had believed him. "Jeez, I can't wait to tell Brendan this later."

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	5. I'm Awesome

**Disclaimer: **Mitsy: Thanks for the fave! YES. YES WE SHOULD DO THAT SONG. I KNOW IT. IT'S ON MY I-POD. : D Deltra: Thanks so much for the fave/ review! We're glad that you like it so far! Olih: Thanks, co-author ; ) Penny: lol, Bear Grylls. Strangely enough, that's how I pictured the accent, too ^^; Mikk: Thanks for the faves/alert! Metal: Thanks for the alert! Cherry: Thank you for the alerts/ faves! And ahaha, thank you ; ) ILikeShorts: Thank you so, so much- that's awesome to hear! Plus your penname is hilarious~ Is that a reference to the trainer in LeafGreen/FireRed with the whole "I like shorts, they're comfy and easy to wear" thing, or am I just reading too much into this? X D Sleepy: Thanks! Wolf: Haha, thank you!

**Summary: **Yet another parody, this time of the song 'I'm Awesome' by Spose.

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"I don't necessarily need to be here for this," sighed Brawly. "I'm going to keep the headphones in."

However, that failed to discourage Steven, who burst into song with enough enthusiasm to put Justin Bieber fans to shame.

_"Motherfucker, I'm awesome~"_

"No you're not, dude," Brawly groaned. "Don't lie."

_"I'm awesome, don't look at me like I'm high._

_"I'm awesome; I drive around in my dad's ride._

_"I'm awesome; a quarter of my life gone by,_

_"And I have fangirls stuck to my side._

_"Motherfucker, I'm awesome~"_

The champion danced around the room, overturning tables and chairs as he went. Brawly continued to sit, thoroughly unimpressed.

_"Motherfucker, I'm awesome:_

_"I run through Silph Co.'s halls._

_"I'm awesome; I'm always answering calls._

_"I'm awesome; Wallace says I have no balls,_

_"Since I talk to myself on my Facebook walls~"_

"You can only have one wall on Facebook," Brawly muttered, putting his head in his hands. "You are-"

_"I am twenty seven,_

_"And have nine-year-olds wanting to play Seven Minutes in Heaven._

_"Oh, I know how to prance_

_"Because damn, I am so much sexier than Lance~"_

Fed up, Brawly stuck his leg out, and tripped Steven. The older man face-planted.

"You are _not _awesome," he growled. "And you suck at rhymes. Now get out." He paused. "Actually, I don't even know how you got in here in the first place. I came in here and found you grinning to yourself like some creeper."

Steven mumbled a response into the carpet.

"Whatever." The Fighting-type gym leader picked up the phone and started dialing. "I don't know how you'll explain this one to Wallace, but that's your problem, not mine."

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